Vote or I Will Find You and Stab You in the Head with a Plastic Fork

October 28, 2010 — 2 Comments

Remember Diddy’s Vote or Die campaign? Well, this is kind of similar, except it’s “Vote…or I will find you and stab you in the head with a plastic fork.” You probably won’t die–in fact I don’t see how you could unless you had a cut that got infected or something–but the whole experience will definitely be annoying and probably at least somewhat painful. You’d best avoid it by voting.

Seriously. You really need to vote. I know most of you are voting. Yay! I will be right there with you. But I know (because I’ve had the conversations) that there are some of you who are saying, our politicians are total douches. They’re all contaminated with lobbyist cash. They don’t care about us, or public service. They just care about being re-elected. So why should I vote for any of them?

You wouldn’t be wrong on most of that. Trust me. I live in Washington, DC. I’ve worked in politics. I KNOW most politicians are, in fact, total douches. You have to be kind of a total douche, or a saint, to run for office. There are few saints, so there you are. Washington is filled with douches.

However. That does not mean you cannot vote. The douches are not of equal douchey-ness. We know this is true.  Your senator may be a total moneygrubbing douche,  but what if he or she also voted for health care reform? And student loan reform? And financial reform? And other good stuff, too? And the person opposing him or her has a platform that pretty much consists of “Government, bad. Guns, good.”? Then you gotta get out there and hold your nose and vote for the douche who has actually voted on some good things.

Duh, right? And please, don’t tell me you’re withholding your vote because the Democrats haven’t done shit on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Or because the Democrats didn’t keep their promises on immigration reform. Or cap and trade. Or the public option.  Do not try to tell me that they’re “all the same.” Don’t try to tell me you’re tired or busy or just not inspired anymore.

Withholding your vote to “punish” your party is stupid. The Democratic Party or GOP Party officials are not looking at a list and going, oh, man, Dick McSack didn’t vote this year. He must be really pissed at us. Let this be a lesson to us! No. Instead, the parties go, oh, I guess once again the young people didn’t turn out this time, or the lefties didn’t turn out, or the moderate Republicans didn’t turn out, or the Latinos didn’t turn out, so let’s not pay any attention to their issues next time. Let’s keep paying attention to what the tea partiers and old people and people living in rural North Dakota want.

Because guess who isn’t withholding their vote this year? Tea partiers! Because if you do not go out there and vote, crazy people (Sharon Angle, Christine O’Donnell, Carl Paladino, Rand Paul) will win and will take over our government and if you think things are bad NOW…just wait until next year. These people think government is evil, that we should all fend for ourselves, that if we want roads and schools and parks that we should pay for those things ourselves and if we can’t afford to pay (just like those lucky duckies who can’t afford to pay taxes) then we should just eat cat food and die. These people are NUTS. You do not want them in charge. I don’t care if you’re a Republican or Democrat or Green Party or Libertarian…you don’t want these people in charge.

So don’t be dumb. Don’t withhold your vote. Get out there and prove that young people care, that we didn’t just come out for Obama because he was so hip and cool, that we’ll vote to continue to push the issues WE care about, like Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and gay marriage, and environmental reform, and meaningful financial reform, and immigration reform, and infrastructure, and jobs, and so on and so on. Make our votes matter. And then after the elections–hold them accountable! Make them keep their word this time. With two elections and a strong turnout under our belt, we’ll have more power to scare our legislators and make them take us seriously. That’s what democracy is all about.  It’s also about me not stabbing you in the head with a fork.

If you genuinely don’t know why your vote matters, shoot me an email at anoellesparks at gmail dot com and tell me where you live and I will be happy to tell you exactly why YOUR SPECIFIC VOTE matters.  Seriously. I will do this.

Also: yes, I am familiar with the South Park episode where the kids have the choice of voting for a douche or a turd for their mascot. And while I thought the episode was funny, the message was stupid. Especially this year. Sometimes, it really is kind of difficult to distinguish the politicians in both parties from each other. This year, though, it is not so difficult at all. This year, if you sit this one out–then you’re the douche. And you’ll be a douche with a plastic fork in your head.